


The Magical Hypoallergenic Sounding Rod

by frostedcookiepopurri



Category: Blood On The Dance Floor
Genre: Aliens, Bad Writing, Blood and Gore, Crack, Emo, Ghosts, M/M, Werewolves, don't take this seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 22:28:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5644117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frostedcookiepopurri/pseuds/frostedcookiepopurri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Began this thing in 2014. Recently decided to post it here and continue it.)<br/>TRIGGER WARNING: Men kissing and turning into mythical creatures while still kissing. Also drama, action, suspense, friendship, love, death, and possibly alien abductions and werewolves. Also ghosts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Intro and butt-staring

**Author's Note:**

> This is a crack!fic/slash!fic parody of really bad fics (which is pretty much every fucking BOTDF fic out there). I'm literally not thinking this through, and just typing whatever comes to mind. No notes, no plot lines, nothing. I dedicate this to the good men and women of the internet with morals prevalent enough to realize how absolutely disgraceful these two bastards are.

The moon was big and round and wide and thick in the sky, glowing a silver aura in the thin star-painted clouds. The moon may have seemed like a good omen, but... IT WASN'T. The full moon was a trigger, a warning. A trigger warning (hashtag). A beautiful sight for some, yet a nightmarish nightmare for others. And tonight, those nightmares will come true for a small group of BOTDF fans, ranging from ages 10 to 17.  
  
It was nearly past midnight, and Dahvie and Jayy were back in their dormitories in their boarding school. Magical boarding school. It was nearly Dahvie's 30th birthday, and he was planning a big ol' massive party in the common room this weekend. But alas, his music had got him nowhere in life.  
  
_"Trick or treat, squeeze my meat! Give me something sweet to eat!" "FOR GOD'S SAKE, DAHVIE, WHY CAN'T YOU MAKE LITERATE STATEMENTS? CHILDREN COME HERE. YOU ARE FIRED FROM CHUCKY CHEESE'S."_  
  
Fortunately, haters are a form of currency in this reality, which come in the form of aerosol cans. And so, his hopes ascended once more, like his suddenly hard member in his skirt while staring directly at Jayy who was changing ten feet away from him. "Oh man, fuck me side ways," he thought, his voice echoing in the void that is his skull. He turned to the camera, brow arched and thought again, " _Literally._ "  
  
"Dahvie, I can feel your makeup smudging against my ass," Jayy muttered, monotone yet pretentious-sounding. Dahvie pulled his face away from Jayy's arsenal, the sound of it like tape pulling off a wall. "Jayy, can you use a sounding rod on me?" Dahvie gazed up at him with longing doe eyes. "Now Dahvie, you know that's not until later in the story," Jayy responded matter-of-factly.  
  
"Nyawh," Dahvie pouted like a bitch.  
  
"GUIZE. GUIZE. OH MY GOSH, GUIZE." Some chick drenched in lace and scene kid things hopped through the giant coffin-shaped common room door. The reason the entrance to the common room was a giant coffin was because their house name was xxXxBloodyFangBang666xXxx.  
  
"GASP! Sally Chainsaw! What is it now, old girl?" Dahvie leaned over to her four-foot frame so small she could fit into a large mailbox.  
  
"o, dahvie, dahvie! der's ben a brake n on teh skool groUnds!!" She squeaked, choking on her grammar.  
  
Jayy stepped forward, puffing up his chest, " _We'll_ handle this!" With a look of pure confidence, he asked, "What happens when you dance during menstruation, everybody?"  
  
"Eggs withdrawal from the uterus due to lack of fertilization!"  
  
"WRONG. IT'S BLOOD. BLOOD ON THE DANCE FLOOR. BLOOD HAPPENS," He shrieked. Dahvie and Sally nearly shat themselves at the high frequency.  
  
"Okay, girls! Let's go kick some butt! Yay!" Jayy shouted, arms raised in the air. "Yay!" Dahvie echoed. "YAAAYYY!!1!!!!11!111" Sally screamed. The trio tumbled down the stairs, and continued to tumble until they finally reached their destination. But when they got there, somETHING REALLY BAD HAPPENED AND STUFF.


	2. Your sex is literally on fire please help I'm dying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mmmyes, more.

_NOOOO NOT MY TWILIGHT BOOKS_  
  
The entirety of the school grounds were set aflame from top to bottom. No one could find where the flames began or ended. It was absolute burning chaos. Dahvie, Jayy, and Sally stood in awe that the fiery scene.  
  
"Help... Help me..."  
  
A tuft of singed pink hair stuck out from one of the columns, a pool of blood on the floor (GET IT? BLOOD? FLOOR? ON THE?).  
  
"Oh no! Is that..." Dahvie looked at Jayy, fear set deep within each other's eyes. They ran to the sitting form behind the column, pushing Sally aside into a pool of flames.  
  
"...Professor Star!" Looking over her, the whole front of her torso was ripped to shreds, skin hanging like broken threads, her guts lain out on her lap and splattered the ground.  
  
Dahvie's eyes welled up with tears. His lips quivered, stuttering, "P-P-P-Professor, w-what h-h-app-pp-ppennnned?" Star, her eyes graying, inches from death, breathed, "W-... W-...."  
  
"Come on, Professor, you can do it!" Jayy squeezed her shouldered, a piece of skin squishing under his touch.  
  
She struggled, "W-... We-... We-"  
  
"W-we... We what?" Dahvie questioned through his tears. "You were with someone when this happened?" Jayy added on.  
  
"We-... Wer-... Were-... W-Were..."  
  
"Were... We were... What? We were what?"  
  
"W-Were... Werew-ol-..."  
  
"COME ON STAR, WE DON'T HAVE ALL FUCKING DAY," They cried impatiently.  
  
"W-Werewolf..." Her head dropped to rest on her shoulder, her body fell limp. She was gone.  
  
Dahvie and Jayy gazed at each other, dumbfounded. "Werewolf?" They gasped in sync.  
  
"Okay, we have to get down to the bottom this," Jayy spoke, pounding his fist into his palm. Dahvie lit up, "You can get down on my botto-" "EVERYTHING'S ON FIRE, DAHVIE." Dahvie shut his whore mouth. Jayy continued, "Werewolves? _Werewolves?_ There can't be werewolves! How can there be werewolves _here?_ " As he said this, a class of students escaped the inferno on their broomsticks.  
  
"Wait, Jayy, what's today?"  
  
"It's, um," He looked up at the full moon. "It's... Sunday!"  
  
"And what's on Sundays?"  
  
"Church!"  
  
"And what's a werewolf, Jayy?"  
  
"An abomination in the eyes of the Lord!"  
  
"So that means they're attacking the school as a form of occultist rebellion and anarchy!"  
  
"Ooh, that makes perfect sense! Wow, thanks Dahvie! I would've never thought of that."  
  
Dahvie stared into Jayy's eyeballs, as Jayy stared into Dahvie's. Both could see the want and hunger that raged inside them. Their magnetic erections brought them so close that the space between them filled with their heated bodies in seconds.  
  
Jay purred, "I've come to terms with my gay. I want your gay on my gay."  
  
There mouths were all over one another, kissing and licking and fondling every inch they could reach. Floorboards fell around them, encasing them in ember and flames, while the bloodcurdling screams of dying children and professors echoed around them, carried by the night wind.  
  
Before Jayy could take Dahvie's skirt off with his teeth, a growl resonated from behind the burning fallen floorboards.  
  
Both froze in place, terrified out of their arousal. The growls grew into wild, monstrous barking.  
  
Suddenly, the couple's wooden barriers burned down, and in their place was an over-sized dog whose foaming mouth was filled to the brim with teeth.  
  
A werewolf.  
  
"J-Jayy..."  
  
Before they had a chance to escape, the werewolf pounced upon Jayy, forcefully knocking over Dahvie. Its teeth sunk deep into Jayy's upper arm. He was screaming and crying and why the fuck am I getting deep with this scene?


	3. Mutilation celebration!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God, I despise BOTDF.

_Somewhere far far away, someone is not caring about what happens to Dahvie and Jayy. It's probably their parents. And nearly the whole of the population._  
  
The ravenous creature tore into Jayy's arm, jerking it away and finally tearing it off his torso. Blood spewed like a fucking fire hose. It was awesome.  
  
"JAYY, NO!" Dahvie yelped. Gaining all the strength his almost-30 little self could muster, he glowed a powerful yellow aura, screaming furiously at the sky. Fully charged with rage, he then tackled the werewolf, throwing his all his weight at it to knock it over.  
  
Thankfully, the werewolf was much too big and strong, and so Dahvie bounced off of it like a plastic golf ball to a hard surface. Also making that sound.  
  
"DAMMIT, DAHVIE, YOU KNOW WE'RE NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO THE UNIVERSE TO HAVE EXTRAORDINARY POWEALKSDJFKGSAF..." The werewolf chomped at his face, ripping his goddamn mandible right off the fucking hinges. Jayy's tongue flopped onto his neck, and he was silenced for good.  
  
Before Dahvie could scream out to his dead lover, the hungry werewolf toppled him, devoring him in one gulp like some vore fetish. Dahvie was boiled and melted alive by the werewolf's stomach acid. Today would be a day the werewolf would celebrate for the rest of his life. The day he committed mass homicide of the lamest boarding school to ever exist in the face of the earth. He frolicked away with triumph, and will probably never be seen again for the rest of the story. Probably.  
  
Ghost!Dahvie and Ghost!Jayy hovered nonchalantly over Jayy's mutilated corpse. "Well shit," Jayy said, not a hint of shock in his tone.  
  
As mentioned, they became goddamn ghosts. Transparent and floaty, they're legs were morphed into a cartooned bottom half of a spirit, their bodies shifting slightly up and down.  
  
"Huh. Well, I guess that's tha- UUNNGG!" Dahvie doubled over. "Whoa, whoa, what?" Jayy held out his arms in front of him, backing away.  
  
Dahvie's muscles tensed, joints popped. "Unngg... Uuhh..." He groaned in pain.  
  
"Wait, we're dead. How the fuck are you in pa-"  
  
"AAUUGHH!!" Dahvie's entire body wracked with agony. Fur began to form on his arms and face, on every inch of his metaphysical body. Bones cracked and rearranged. Finally, with a big white poof, he was a werewolf.  
  
A ghost werewolf. Werewolf ghost.  
  
"D-D-DAHVIE?" Jayy's voice was so highly pitched he nearly broke the sound barrier. "BABY? H-HOW ARE YOU... WHAT..."  
  
Werewolf-Ghost!Dahvie was silent. He was still upright, his paws propped up as if he was sitting on his hind legs. His dog-face showed no emotion. Actually, he looked pretty disappointed.  
  
Jayy's eyes were wild, glossy with tears. He couldn't fathom the situation at all. "But... the werewolf swallowed you whole, without a bite. And it tore me apart."  
  
Dahvie continued to scrutinize the charred walls, devoid of feeling.  
  
"...Oh my god," Jayy muttered, conjuring up a theory. "Magical transmutating stomach acid?"  
  
As he said those words, Dahvie's snout huffed, making Jayy wince... or hover away slightly.  
  
" _YEAH, I GUESS._ "


End file.
